Monday, January 18, 2010
A relationship should be like a well crafted ice cream sunday. First you have the foundation; a scoop of friendship, honestly, and fun. Sprinkle on some inside jokes, things you can do just the two of you and things you can do with each other's friends. Add a few dollops of romance and thoughtfulness. Cherry on top? Intimacy. Enjoy!
The Ever-changing Self (English 101)
I believe that knowledge brings change. Over time many people have come to believe that at some point in their lives they will stop learning. It is not uncommon to hear quotes such as; “trying out new identities is all a part of growing up” as stated by Tino’s mom in the cartoon The Weekenders. This is such a commonly used concept that it makes its way into almost every child’s program I see; but the question I present before you today is when exactly do we grown up? Ever heard of Madonna? She is the epitome of ever-changing. Everyone around me is constantly altering their sense of self even if they do not realize it. From the socially acceptable development experienced in our adolescence to the gradual transformation of our “self” and identity all the way until death, we are constantly being manipulated internally and externally. There is a constant conflict between our personal identity and our identity in relation to others in a community. It is a balancing act that fluctuates throughout life. The act of defining ourselves simply and steadfast without the awareness that we are ever-changing is a fruitless effort.
We cannot expect children to develop their sense of importance on their own. As Mary Catherine Bateson so eloquently puts it in her essay A Mutable Self, “the gift of personhood is potentially present in every human interaction, every time we touch or speak or call another by name…” we write a new page of our book (212). Human connection can help us realize a lot about ourselves. The idea that “personhood arises from a long process of welcoming closeness and continues to grow and require nourishment over a lifetime of participation” is nothing new (212). We are nothing if we are not a part of something, but we cannot be a part of something until we figure ourselves out first. As Bateson explains, “American culture has gone further than most in valuing the autonomous self, downplaying the importance of relationship” in some respects (210). While Americas instill the importance of self and individualism in their children even at a young age, “the reality of human infancy is dependency, but some cultures create charades of early independence and project individualism and the rhetoric of rights onto infants, sometimes even onto fetuses” (211). In contrast, adults today also make it very clear that we must do our best to figure out where we belong. Now in America the individual as well as the group are important. This idea that we must define ourselves in so many different ways can be a complicated and stressful thing to cope with. We are raised to figure out who we are as an individual, but we must also attempt to figure out at a young age where we fit in. You are expected to be able to have a strong sense of self, but be able to function well in a group. Team work is a very important skill to have in American society. You need to be able to know who you are and be able to share that with others. Americans strive for individualism, but chastise the loner. In life, we need a little bit of both.
I think there is more to this idea because you can discover just as much if not more about yourself by taking time to personally reflex upon events going on in your life than you can by being influenced by other people. I have personally learned a lot about myself through books, movies, and even television. When children are immersed in a world of media much like they often are today, there is a potential to learn everything from inspirational messages and personal aspirations to life lessons and morals through examples that may not be able to be fully explained in everyday life. This idea in itself is another balancing act. The most successful people know how to take time for themselves as well as share their life with loved ones.
Small town America produces a wide variety of people, as does anywhere else in the world, but specifically in Emily Hiestand’s hometown the most successful people were intelligent and influential. Hiestand grew up in a small town with every normalcy you would expect from such a place if were to only look on the surface and discusses this in her essay Maps. This town had a lot in common with my high school in the sense that the smart driven people were the ones that stood out and were considered “popular”. In Oak Ridge Tennessee this meant having the best science fair project. To my graduating class at Stadium High School this meant you had to get the best test scores, did the most extracurricular activities, and knew that you were going to be somebody some day if you weren’t already. Children today need to know that they can be anything they strive to be. As Christopher Gardner once said “Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you got to protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they want to tell you you can’t do it. You want something, go get it” and I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is a sentiment that needs to be instilled in not only young children, but in everyone. People can acquire goals and dreams at any point in their lives. Most people do not have the means to really do what they want with their lives into well into their adulthood. To be a successful community we need to be encouraging to the people around us and let them know that we believe that they can achieve whatever they are willing to really work for.
You don’t stop getting influenced when the government considers you and adult. We need to be open to these experiences. So again, it is a balancing act. We have to spend enough time with others as to learn from them, but not so much time that we lose ourselves in the process. We need to be strong enough to both make decisions for ourselves and let others make decisions for us. This lesson was personally applied to me when I came to Western. I needed to be able to make decisions on my own and keep an orderly schedule that no one else could help me with, but I still needed to be open minded enough to listen to my family when they had suggestions about how I could experience college more successfully. The ability to learn from others is a very important skill to have, but sometimes you need to be able to just go your own way and do what feels right to you. Having a strong sense of self is the key to being able to make relationships work.
We are successful, pretty, or popular even uncooperative, mean, or antisocial because that is how other people see us. Any of these labels can apply to us at any time. The point is a big portion of who we are and how we see ourselves comes from what others think of us. We even describe ourselves as so-and-so’s daughter, aunt, friend, etc. Could you describe yourself without using any details unrelated to others? We are defined by who we socialize with. Some people go as far as saying you are who you surround yourself with. When Bateson went through a period of time where she did not have sufficient socialization, the “seclusion had an insidious effect on [her] morale, showing [her] what is meant by referring to many urban environments as dehumanizing” (213). The further we move away from nature and traditional means of survival the less we technically need each other. The importance of human interaction diminishes. In today’s Western culture you can have full conversations with people without ever hearing the other person’s voice let alone seeing them. I can effectively communicate with my deaf cousin now from 120 miles away thanks to texting. Technology, it could be said, is hindering our ability to socialize effectively. In a society that believes we are who people tell us we are, it important to keep real face to face human interaction in our everyday lives. This will help us throughout our lives.
We as people living in America have an idea of how our life is going to go. To us, life should go something like birth, social development, learn a sense of community, find yourself, develop a status, define yourself, fit in somewhere, chose your life path, settle down, fall into a routine, die. When we have to pick up and start somewhere else or when life doesn’t go as planned we get confused or discouraged. I was curious to read that “many adults only take on the challenge of profound change when they are desperate. This is why so much of adult learning is packaged today as therapy and why it must often offer the compensation of membership in a new community or relationship” (Bateson 218). When life takes a turn for the worst and we have to change any aspect of our lives we have the opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves and others. You learn how well you can handle tough situations and you learn who will help you through them. In these situations it is “…helpful to get the acknowledgment of weakness over with in order to make new learning possible” (Bateson 219). If people could just realize that we change and learn throughout life, not just during our “developmental years” then we wouldn’t fall into the idea that we will be who we will ultimately be when we are 30 and fall into an unchangeable routine by 45. This is not as easily done as said however because it is not merely a matter of realizing. To do our best and become our best as individuals who change, we much encourage each other and create a culture that deems the ideas I have discussed as socially acceptable. In today’s society we decide that it is easiest to fit in somewhere and never change because that is what cultural programming has taught us. It may even be what our parents taught us whether they meant to or not. That is our problem. People who are open minded and take initiative in solving new problems have not always been seen as innovated and impressive. Some individuals or communities may see the ability to be ever-changing as a sign of weakness because you are not fool heatedly set in your opinions, but my generation admires these qualities. It could possibly be our new found access to information that allows us to see these attributes as ones that everyone should strive to achieve.
A good rule of thumb to live by in today’s society is that the more you learn the more you realize how little you really know. This should be an invitation to continue your personal education throughout your life. You need to learn as much as you can whenever you can so you can be considered “wise” when you are old. Einstein understood this well. When Einstein was confronted with frustrating problems he would take it was an opportunity to expand his body of knowledge. Similarly Thomas Edison was quoted saying "I did not fail, I found 2000 ways not to make a light bulb". We all live in a way that we hope will make us remembered; a way that will make our lives mean something. We may strive to become an “expert” in our field or make the world a better place, but most of us just want to know that we left something behind.
We need to understand that in today’s society it is important to encourage others and allow them to change over time. It is important that through meaningful relationships two people can change together acquiring new knowledge and interests along the way. This idea applies to both how we see ourselves and how others see us. While in the past it may have been easier to understand that we only do our changing in our adolescence, the fact that we all change all the time is one of life’s most fixed qualities. Every day events both big and small change and mold us into the people we are. Note that I did not say who we ultimately are. This is because we are never ultimately anything. We live in a way that will hopefully get us remembered, but we are not a fixed personality at any point in our lives.
We cannot expect children to develop their sense of importance on their own. As Mary Catherine Bateson so eloquently puts it in her essay A Mutable Self, “the gift of personhood is potentially present in every human interaction, every time we touch or speak or call another by name…” we write a new page of our book (212). Human connection can help us realize a lot about ourselves. The idea that “personhood arises from a long process of welcoming closeness and continues to grow and require nourishment over a lifetime of participation” is nothing new (212). We are nothing if we are not a part of something, but we cannot be a part of something until we figure ourselves out first. As Bateson explains, “American culture has gone further than most in valuing the autonomous self, downplaying the importance of relationship” in some respects (210). While Americas instill the importance of self and individualism in their children even at a young age, “the reality of human infancy is dependency, but some cultures create charades of early independence and project individualism and the rhetoric of rights onto infants, sometimes even onto fetuses” (211). In contrast, adults today also make it very clear that we must do our best to figure out where we belong. Now in America the individual as well as the group are important. This idea that we must define ourselves in so many different ways can be a complicated and stressful thing to cope with. We are raised to figure out who we are as an individual, but we must also attempt to figure out at a young age where we fit in. You are expected to be able to have a strong sense of self, but be able to function well in a group. Team work is a very important skill to have in American society. You need to be able to know who you are and be able to share that with others. Americans strive for individualism, but chastise the loner. In life, we need a little bit of both.
I think there is more to this idea because you can discover just as much if not more about yourself by taking time to personally reflex upon events going on in your life than you can by being influenced by other people. I have personally learned a lot about myself through books, movies, and even television. When children are immersed in a world of media much like they often are today, there is a potential to learn everything from inspirational messages and personal aspirations to life lessons and morals through examples that may not be able to be fully explained in everyday life. This idea in itself is another balancing act. The most successful people know how to take time for themselves as well as share their life with loved ones.
Small town America produces a wide variety of people, as does anywhere else in the world, but specifically in Emily Hiestand’s hometown the most successful people were intelligent and influential. Hiestand grew up in a small town with every normalcy you would expect from such a place if were to only look on the surface and discusses this in her essay Maps. This town had a lot in common with my high school in the sense that the smart driven people were the ones that stood out and were considered “popular”. In Oak Ridge Tennessee this meant having the best science fair project. To my graduating class at Stadium High School this meant you had to get the best test scores, did the most extracurricular activities, and knew that you were going to be somebody some day if you weren’t already. Children today need to know that they can be anything they strive to be. As Christopher Gardner once said “Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you got to protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they want to tell you you can’t do it. You want something, go get it” and I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is a sentiment that needs to be instilled in not only young children, but in everyone. People can acquire goals and dreams at any point in their lives. Most people do not have the means to really do what they want with their lives into well into their adulthood. To be a successful community we need to be encouraging to the people around us and let them know that we believe that they can achieve whatever they are willing to really work for.
You don’t stop getting influenced when the government considers you and adult. We need to be open to these experiences. So again, it is a balancing act. We have to spend enough time with others as to learn from them, but not so much time that we lose ourselves in the process. We need to be strong enough to both make decisions for ourselves and let others make decisions for us. This lesson was personally applied to me when I came to Western. I needed to be able to make decisions on my own and keep an orderly schedule that no one else could help me with, but I still needed to be open minded enough to listen to my family when they had suggestions about how I could experience college more successfully. The ability to learn from others is a very important skill to have, but sometimes you need to be able to just go your own way and do what feels right to you. Having a strong sense of self is the key to being able to make relationships work.
We are successful, pretty, or popular even uncooperative, mean, or antisocial because that is how other people see us. Any of these labels can apply to us at any time. The point is a big portion of who we are and how we see ourselves comes from what others think of us. We even describe ourselves as so-and-so’s daughter, aunt, friend, etc. Could you describe yourself without using any details unrelated to others? We are defined by who we socialize with. Some people go as far as saying you are who you surround yourself with. When Bateson went through a period of time where she did not have sufficient socialization, the “seclusion had an insidious effect on [her] morale, showing [her] what is meant by referring to many urban environments as dehumanizing” (213). The further we move away from nature and traditional means of survival the less we technically need each other. The importance of human interaction diminishes. In today’s Western culture you can have full conversations with people without ever hearing the other person’s voice let alone seeing them. I can effectively communicate with my deaf cousin now from 120 miles away thanks to texting. Technology, it could be said, is hindering our ability to socialize effectively. In a society that believes we are who people tell us we are, it important to keep real face to face human interaction in our everyday lives. This will help us throughout our lives.
We as people living in America have an idea of how our life is going to go. To us, life should go something like birth, social development, learn a sense of community, find yourself, develop a status, define yourself, fit in somewhere, chose your life path, settle down, fall into a routine, die. When we have to pick up and start somewhere else or when life doesn’t go as planned we get confused or discouraged. I was curious to read that “many adults only take on the challenge of profound change when they are desperate. This is why so much of adult learning is packaged today as therapy and why it must often offer the compensation of membership in a new community or relationship” (Bateson 218). When life takes a turn for the worst and we have to change any aspect of our lives we have the opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves and others. You learn how well you can handle tough situations and you learn who will help you through them. In these situations it is “…helpful to get the acknowledgment of weakness over with in order to make new learning possible” (Bateson 219). If people could just realize that we change and learn throughout life, not just during our “developmental years” then we wouldn’t fall into the idea that we will be who we will ultimately be when we are 30 and fall into an unchangeable routine by 45. This is not as easily done as said however because it is not merely a matter of realizing. To do our best and become our best as individuals who change, we much encourage each other and create a culture that deems the ideas I have discussed as socially acceptable. In today’s society we decide that it is easiest to fit in somewhere and never change because that is what cultural programming has taught us. It may even be what our parents taught us whether they meant to or not. That is our problem. People who are open minded and take initiative in solving new problems have not always been seen as innovated and impressive. Some individuals or communities may see the ability to be ever-changing as a sign of weakness because you are not fool heatedly set in your opinions, but my generation admires these qualities. It could possibly be our new found access to information that allows us to see these attributes as ones that everyone should strive to achieve.
A good rule of thumb to live by in today’s society is that the more you learn the more you realize how little you really know. This should be an invitation to continue your personal education throughout your life. You need to learn as much as you can whenever you can so you can be considered “wise” when you are old. Einstein understood this well. When Einstein was confronted with frustrating problems he would take it was an opportunity to expand his body of knowledge. Similarly Thomas Edison was quoted saying "I did not fail, I found 2000 ways not to make a light bulb". We all live in a way that we hope will make us remembered; a way that will make our lives mean something. We may strive to become an “expert” in our field or make the world a better place, but most of us just want to know that we left something behind.
We need to understand that in today’s society it is important to encourage others and allow them to change over time. It is important that through meaningful relationships two people can change together acquiring new knowledge and interests along the way. This idea applies to both how we see ourselves and how others see us. While in the past it may have been easier to understand that we only do our changing in our adolescence, the fact that we all change all the time is one of life’s most fixed qualities. Every day events both big and small change and mold us into the people we are. Note that I did not say who we ultimately are. This is because we are never ultimately anything. We live in a way that will hopefully get us remembered, but we are not a fixed personality at any point in our lives.
The Ever-changing self (Boys & Girls)
We as people living in America have an idea of how our life is going to go. It goes something like birth, social development, learn a sense of community, find yourself, develop a status, define yourself, fit in somewhere, chose your life path, settle down, fall into a routine, die. When we have to pick up and start somewhere new or when life doesn’t go as planned we get confused or discouraged. Mary Catherine Bateson explains from personal experience that “women are often constrained to make choices made by men, sometimes moving them to new places and cultures” (217). Girls are traditionally raised to be the ones that help their husbands fit into a community. They host the dinner parties and other events in order to help their husbands climb the social ladder. Bateson goes on to explain that “Young women are well-advised to be able to support themselves and to maintain that capacity of use: getting out, working with others, being effective” (210). Women of today are made to be “autonomous, independent, [and] self-confident” (210). This ideal of personality was before reserved for only men. Boys are traditionally raised to become strong men that can take care of themselves as well as their families. They are raised to believe that they must accomplish things alone, be strong and never need help. Deviating away from these ideals can lead to a midlife crisis or the need for counseling. I was curious to read that “many adults only take on the challenge of profound change when they are desperate. This is why so much of adult learning is packaged today as therapy and why it must often offer the compensation of membership in a new community or relationship” (218). When life takes a turn for the worst and we have to change we learn a lot about ourselves and others. You learn how you handle tough situations and you learn who will help you through them. In these situations it is “…helpful to get the acknowledgment of weakness over with in order to make new learning possible” (219). If people could just realize that we change and learn throughout life, not just during our “developmental years” then we wouldn’t fall into the idea that we will be who we will ultimately be when we are 30 and fall into an unchangeable routine by 45. We decide that it is easiest to fit in somewhere and never change. That is our problem. People who are open minded and take initiative in solving new problems are seen as innovated and impressive. Some may see the ability to be ever-changing as a sign of weakness because you are not fool heatedly set in your opinions, but my generation admires these qualities. It could possibly be our new found access to information that allows us to see these attributes as ones to be coveted and gained personally. A good rule of thumb to live by in today’s society is that the more you learn the less you realize how you know. This should be an invitation to continue your personal education throughout your life. You need to learn as much as you can whenever you can so you can be considered “wise” when you are old. Einstein understood this well. When Einstein was confronted with frustrating problems he would take it was an opportunity to learn. Similarly Thomas Edison was quoted saying "I did not fail I found 2000 ways not to make a light bulb". We all live in a way that we hope will make us remembered; a way that will make our lives mean something. We may strive to become an expert in our field or make the world a better place, but most of us just want to know that we left something behind.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sitting Alone
Growing up and learning about yourself, going through the process of self discovery can be both difficult and lonely. Coming to terms with my own opinions and ideas has been a long and hard process which I am more than willing to continue, but at the same time I ask myself, is it worth it? The more I become comfortable being alone and standing my ground when it comes to my beliefs the more I realize that by doing so, I am cutting out people that do not measure up to my standards. By becoming my own person I am working every day to not need anyone. I have a few great friends and a family that loves me, but the only person that I always know will be there is me. I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. If I settle with doing what is easy or what is safe will I truly be happy? If I spend my time with people because it is convenient then I will only be letting myself down. It's time I really try to do what is best for me. I know I have stepped on a few toes and I will continue to do so throughout life, but at the end of the day I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay with what I see.
Something that's been on my mind.
I can not stand close minded people who feel that they need to talk about how much they hate this movie or that actor. It isolates the people who actually like that movie or actor. Like what you like. It's not up to anyone else to determine what you enjoy. You need to do what makes you happy. As long as you live by the 3 rules...
1. Harm none
2. Know that whatever you do will come back and bite you in the ass (Karma)
3. Treat people the way you want to be treated (DUH)
... then who cares what people think. If you like the Jonas Brothers, Twilight, Alexis Bledel, wearing dresses, and getting attention well than more power to you!
1. Harm none
2. Know that whatever you do will come back and bite you in the ass (Karma)
3. Treat people the way you want to be treated (DUH)
... then who cares what people think. If you like the Jonas Brothers, Twilight, Alexis Bledel, wearing dresses, and getting attention well than more power to you!
Work It
I'm watching Domino with Keira Knightly. Note to self: When you're in a sticky situation, work with what you've got. It may save your life.
Wondering thoughts...
So I'm sitting here watching popular videos of 2008. Why you may ask... Well I have no idea. I spend a lot of time alone in my dorm room these days. It's not really conducive to staying optimistic about life, but it's what I do. Most of the people I'm surrounded by do not have the same values that I do. They don't see that talking behind peoples backs and generally looking down on everyone is a bad thing. I take pleasure in the little things and tend to be grateful for everyday I am given.
It scares me that recently there have been no prospects in the romance department. I know some people never meet "the one" but generally it is thought that by college most people have experienced the life event that is being in a relationship. I have never experienced this. I have no sort of ill-conceived notion about falling in love, but I do want to experience having a relationship. I've never really felt the contentment that I comes with having one person that accepts you for who you are. One person that wants to spend all their free time with you. I want to find someone that I can be with and will understand me. I have heard many a times that you must love yourself before others can love you, well I don't exactly think I can love myself anymore than I do. Of course there are things I would change physically, but as a person I love who I am. I have been through a lot and I feel that I have emerged victorious. So, what am I doing wrong? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. I guess I just have to wait and see. I do not presume to think and a partner will make every wrong thing right, but I feel empty sometimes. I feel like there is something missing. I don't feel that I NEED someone to make me feel better, I just want to share my life with another person. Is that so much to ask? I think not.
It scares me that recently there have been no prospects in the romance department. I know some people never meet "the one" but generally it is thought that by college most people have experienced the life event that is being in a relationship. I have never experienced this. I have no sort of ill-conceived notion about falling in love, but I do want to experience having a relationship. I've never really felt the contentment that I comes with having one person that accepts you for who you are. One person that wants to spend all their free time with you. I want to find someone that I can be with and will understand me. I have heard many a times that you must love yourself before others can love you, well I don't exactly think I can love myself anymore than I do. Of course there are things I would change physically, but as a person I love who I am. I have been through a lot and I feel that I have emerged victorious. So, what am I doing wrong? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. I guess I just have to wait and see. I do not presume to think and a partner will make every wrong thing right, but I feel empty sometimes. I feel like there is something missing. I don't feel that I NEED someone to make me feel better, I just want to share my life with another person. Is that so much to ask? I think not.
Just me and some things I'll talk about.
So my best friend told me that a great way to "lay it all on the table" would be to start blogging again (BTW check him out at coldfeetconversation.blogspot.com) . This blog is a few years old but hasn't been used in over 2 years. I have changed so much in the last 2 years so I decided to delete everything and start over. Since 2008 I have learned a lot about life and about myself. Experiences change you. I don't regret anything I've done in life. I'm not exactly proud of everything, but I think of each experience as an opportunity. I can't think of any better way to tell you (whoever you are) about the last few years of my life other than to just make a list. They wont exactly be in order but here it goes.
I had the opportunity to go to a huge leadership conference and while there I met a girl that made me realize the weird feeling that I sometimes got when seeing girls was in fact attraction.
I nursed my father through 2 1/2 years of interferon treatment (chemotherapy) for his liver cancer.
I graduated from high school and started college.
I cut some unneeded people out of my life (and edited my Facebook friends list).
I was kissed for the first time.
I was the other woman.
I have since dated 2 guys (both older) but have never had a boyfriend.
I am constantly dealing with the idea of who I am and how I can make myself happy.
I write in a journal almost everyday to keep myself from telling anyone who will listen ALL of my thoughts and feelings.
I'm sure there is more, but that's a good start I think...
I had the opportunity to go to a huge leadership conference and while there I met a girl that made me realize the weird feeling that I sometimes got when seeing girls was in fact attraction.
I nursed my father through 2 1/2 years of interferon treatment (chemotherapy) for his liver cancer.
I graduated from high school and started college.
I cut some unneeded people out of my life (and edited my Facebook friends list).
I was kissed for the first time.
I was the other woman.
I have since dated 2 guys (both older) but have never had a boyfriend.
I am constantly dealing with the idea of who I am and how I can make myself happy.
I write in a journal almost everyday to keep myself from telling anyone who will listen ALL of my thoughts and feelings.
I'm sure there is more, but that's a good start I think...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)